Wow… it’s been months since my last post. I’m completely backlogged with blog posts I want to write and share, pictures that need to be taken, and project ideas that I want to get working on… I literally have a whiteboard with ideas and to-do’s written all over it - just when I’ll get to them is a completely different story. And for now, just knowing that I’m organized enough to get started back when time allows is a huge positive in my eyes. Everything about this past year and pregnancy definitely drained the life from me - but amid the fatigue, worry, pain, healing and general craziness of everyday life, I still found some time to keep my creative juices flowing. Although I didn’t do too many projects, I still can’t wait to share everything I’ve been making and learning, including my new loves - flea market projects and silversmithing.
Back to the subject of this post… if you’ve been following my blog, you know this past year has most certainly been a tough one, emotionally and mentally - but I didn’t even realize how much so until about two months ago.
Two months ago!!! That’s when all the hope we’ve been storing up in our hearts exploded into our world as we welcomed our rainbow baby boy into our family. Please meet Maddox…
After 50+ hours of continuous prodromal labor (didn’t even know something like this can happen - contractions every 7-10 minutes, never getting closer together just more intense), my doctor was finally able to say it wasn’t “false labor” and make the call that it was actually “real labor” and performed a repeat c-section at 38 weeks 1 day. What I’ve never talked about on my blog was the crazy experience I had with my first c-section with Myla. She was breech and we had a c-section scheduled, although Myla had other plans, just as Maddox did - to arrive early. Only with Myla, the contractions started quickly and progressed to 2-3 mins apart in the matter of two hours and were not letting up. (A little foreshadowing to her personality perhaps?) They performed a spinal block which didn’t take very well. I was on the OR table as they began the surgery and I could still move my legs and even worse… feel pain… I only had patches of numbness. Because I was already in labor, and possibly other reasons unknown to me (I could sense concern in their voices), they needed to move fast and the answer to this was to knock me out. Within seconds, my eyes rolled to the back of my head and I missed everything about her birth. It was a few hours before she was brought in to see me in the recovery room and by that point, I could only see straight by closing one eye. It took me a long time to get over that birth experience. But, what I realize today and try to let others know, is that it doesn’t really matter much anymore - what does matter is how much my love grows for my little girl every single day. And now, it’s just a crazy story to tell. However, I admit that I was still very excited about the chance to be awake this time around to meet our rainbow.
And I was!!! It was truly a beautiful birth - and maybe everything that happened the first time was the universe’s way of making this experience extraordinarily special. It was calm and relaxed and a very light mood filled the room; music played in the background and the same doctor who delivered Myla, and performed my D&C for our loss, was about to deliver our rainbow too. (Needless to say, I feel very close with this doctor after those other experiences and it meant a lot that she would be the one delivering.) Justin got to sit next to me and hold my hand - we had the opportunity to talk and laugh and look into each others eyes with excitement and anticipation as the doctors worked to get our little rainbow out. Maddox was pulled from my womb crying… and peeing!!! A little troublemaker already in the making. There was zero anxiety and I was still in total disbelief that after what felt like over a year of being pregnant - as I guess in a way I was - that we were finally meeting him. He was so little and so cute and I couldn’t get enough kisses and snuggles in within those first few moments.
Once we eventually made our way out of the OR and the recovery room and finally to our room, we got in some more bonding time with our new little man. Justin turned to me and said something which I myself wasn’t yet able to put into words… he said:
“I finally feel we are complete.”
And it was true… Since our loss, maybe because we had been expecting to grow our family from that first positive pregnancy test, that something really felt missing. It was as if we were waiting for that little soul to finally come join us. Even throughout our pregnancy, we felt hope and excitement - but it wasn’t until those first little cries, that my heart was so full it wanted to explode - I felt like this crazy journey had come to an end. He was here, he was healthy and my heart healed even more. I look back and realize that although I thought I was ‘OK’ for this past year that I truly wasn’t because he wasn’t yet in my arms.
I like to believe that his little soul was not ready to join us back then - but was ready now… and it needed, or maybe knew that I needed, or even Myla needed, a little more time to keep things exactly where they were. Perhaps for some reason I needed to have this experience - that maybe there was something I needed to complete or change before Maddox came into this world. I know for certain that my patience has grown immensely - and things that once triggered anger and frustration, actually trigger smiles because I’m so much more thankful for everything in my life. This healing journey has been long, and I know it’s not over - not sure it really ever will be - but I can’t deny that having him here now, has been the biggest healing leap I’ve had.
Now to begin all those Maddox-inspired projects.