I truly believe we are only given in life what we are strong enough to handle. And sometimes that means only being able to handle something with the support of others. For me, today, this means my husband, my rock, Justin, my smiley, little joyful pumpkin Myla, and my family... especially my mother, who will drop all her plans to be there for me, whenever I need her. Today, I'm thankful for them all and grateful to be able to share today's Thanksgiving meal with them.
I knew I was going to be receiving bad news any day now. I had listened to the warnings, researched the outcomes, I had cried and grieved, and deep down I already knew what was happening. But still as the news hit me yesterday, I whaled out in pain as my heart just broke. It was the kind of news that when it hits, it paralyzes you... My whole world stopped, I started questioning why something like this could happen, I feel angry, confused... And as I sat there, paralyzed, I can sense the whole world moving on around me... The chatter, the laughter, simply the movement of people - but I could hardly move. The clocks hadn't stopped but my mind and body did. I can just stare into space, frozen, and feel the stillness of the moment, sometimes for minutes at a time. It takes a lot of strength to get myself moving... To even hear what someone is saying to me and even more strength to compose a response and speak.
Last night I didn't want to go to sleep... I felt as though if I did and the new sun greets me in the morning, that it all really happened... And it would truly be over - and I'm not ready to accept it, it's perhaps why I'm actually up at 5 am writing this and even debating whether to share this. Although I'm not ready to shout it from the rooftops I need my friends to know I'm in pain... It's why I may not have been "all there", why I'm letting some things slip, why I've been slower to respond to messages and emails or maybe very brief.... Why I may just seem a bit more quieter than I usually am. But if you see me, I'd gladly take a hug... As I've always felt that hugs can help heal... A lot.
I want to share this because it's my wish that people just take the time to slow down, to spend time with family and friends and be thankful for what they have. It's not about who has the biggest feast, the most company, or who will get to the stores by 5pm... And my god, please just stay home... Even if it's just you and your immediately family. Take the time to talk, share stories and memories (perhaps even about those who aren't at the table today)... Play some board games, share some laughs... just "be".
Thanksgiving has always proved to give me highs and lows throughout the years... From losing my grandmother, to deciding on the perfect wedding dress, to the birth of Myla, to yesterday's news...
I'm sure every year the same memories will flood back, and it's ok... I don't want to forget, the good nor the bad. Every event that happens shapes us as a person, and perhaps yesterday's events were telling me to just slow down, stop worrying about the mess and the dust... And maybe I need to just "be" a little more everyday. And with the holidays now here, perhaps we all do.
Enjoy your Thanksgiving today, enjoy your family and friends, enjoy the food and be thankful for all you have. Don't forget to share some hugs too! A hug, when truly meant, can be magical... It can change a mood and strengthen bonds forever.
P.S. I know I owe you all my last post about Myla's birthday, which will come in due time. I need a little time to compose my thoughts and time to re-focus. For now though, I'm going to concentrate on just spending some time with my loved ones. Happy Thanksgiving!